


One version of yourself

by anouksayslou



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 17:51:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8762995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anouksayslou/pseuds/anouksayslou
Summary: Philip arrives at Tivoli. There's no surprise - nobody likes him here.





	1. Home

It's Monday when he wakes up at 7am to go to new school. It's the first day of school and it's especially important becuase it's The First Monday Without Mom.

     It was Tuesday when the social worker came to escort him to Helen and Gabe's. That lovely woman with dark hair and pink purse didn't even have to pass the yard alone with him because they were already waiting, Gabe – smiling like it's the best day of his life and Helen, holding his hand.

Philip met them a few months ago when another social worker came to tell him that he has a home now. They were so in love, they looked almost made up. Especially Gabe. He never met a man who was so nice to his wife before.

Philip didn't need a new home, he needed his mother. But all the same he thanked her and promised to behave his best. To be completely honest, and Philip always was, with himself and his mom, he was one of the best behaved kids in the city, no, in the state. He didn't do drugs (and he never will, considering that he had to make  his mother puke for the first time when he was ten), he didn't fuck every girl he met (well, to be honest, he didn't like girls, but all the same), he didn't go to parties, he drank beer only a couple of times with Peter, his mom's best boyfriend. His grades were solid and he was part of every school club that included trays with free food you could easily carry in a backpack. It's not like he'd ever go to college! He was a nice kid, as much as he could have been. He learned fast, he was ready to adapt to almost everything – hell, he was gay and nobody still beat him up! But he still didn't know why Gabe and Helen wanted him so much.

     His mother made the same sandwiches she always made because she thought they were Philip's favorites. They weren't really his favorites, he was bored of pickles and mayo and they were the same sandwiches he had to eat every time social workers took him to another home. His mother insisted that he can't leave until he has food. She couldn't stay sobber for a month since she was fifteen but she always worried about Philip's food. No matter how how drugged she was, she would pack those no-crust sanwiches into a plastic bag and kissed Philip on the cheek like she'll see him tomorrow and he always ate them, every last crumb. Then he'd stay in a foster home, in his opinion, long enough, and ran away to see his mother even if it was for an evening. They'd come for him the next morning and he would wait for them.

He promised mom this time will be different. Permanent. She liked Helen so much. She walked with Gabe  for an hour and made him listen about her plants and Philip's peeing in bed and Gabe seemed to like her too. Philip liked how Helen hugged his mother and promised to take care of him. He didn't like her uniform. It made her look cold and distant.

    They were driving to Tivoli for less than an hour. Where even was Tivoli, he asked when he heard that he's getting a home, as if he didn't have one already. He only saw that town once, shortly, when Gabe insisted that they should all visit Philip's _new home_ together _._ His mother loved it, she sang and danced in the living room. Helen and Gabe didn't mind that. They were good people. They understood the world. They worked hard. And Philip still didn't know why they liked him.

     _Welcome to Tivoli_ is a writing on a wooden board, gray and very much unwelcoming. The whole town looks like it's composed of ten houses, a bookstore, a coffee shop and a post office. Rich people came here to live in peace and quiet. They worked a lot but they were still filthy rich. Philip hated them.

   He didn't expect to stay long here though. A couple of months maybe. He'll still sneak out to visit mom now that there's a bus stop almost at her doorstep. He will sneak out even when she's at the rehabilitation centre and she's not allowed to receive visitors. Because she's mom. Because she takes care of him even when she can't take care of herself. He will study and be a good kid and he will never date a boy so they don't have to deal with a foster son whose mother is a drug addict, who ran away 20 times from different foster homes just to see her and who's also gay. He will be quiet and he will turn eighteen and then he and his mother will go away somewhere and be happy. That was the plan.

    

    


	2. See all of my kindness, is taken for weakness

 

The new school is terrible and not just because it’s cold and grey.

 

Helen says she’s sorry that she has to leave so quickly and leave Philip and Gabe alone to talk to the principal. Gabe’s not surprised which means that will probably happen a lot. He kisses her and it’s a really long kiss. Then he caresses her hair and that is so intimate that Philip has to look away. That kind of love is foreign to him. He only knew a couple of his mother’s boyfriends and they were all in love with her in the beginning, only to leave her as soon as they found a new girl or a new dealer. Gabe and Helen are different in every way. They kiss a lot. They order food because they can’t cook. They go on boat trips. They dance and smile and take care of kids who are not their own. It’s the strangest thing Philip has ever seen. But maybe it’s because he has never been in love.

     He's already met the principal on Friday. They talked about Philip's old school, the most recent one, because he changed them frequently. They talked about how hard it was for Philip and he had to fake being concerned about his future. Older people loved that shit.

  The principle was just about to try to make him cry when suddenly there was a big noise from the yard, tiers screeching and teenagers screaming and cheering.

-That's our local motocross champion, Lukas Waldenbeck. - The principal said proudly. - All the kids love him. He has a bright future and we all try to encourage him. If you have any special talents, we'd love to help you out!

But Philip didn't have a special talent. And he didn't get to see the golden boy from the window. A rich white boy with a girlfriend who's a model and a bright future. He was everything Philip hated about the world. But he made the principal stop talking and Philip was thankful for that.

-How do you  like your new town? – Gabe asked him again. Gabe always talks like that, like Philip is there to stay, like this was Philip's choice. _Your new town, your room, your school._

-It's a bit gray, - he said  because he didn't want to be too honest.

-Yeah, nobody likes to stay long in Tivoli. It's sad, really. I used to go to this school. I know all these kids' parents. And none of them will stay here after high school.

     - Will they, like, hate me? Cause I'm not from here?

Gabe laughed but it was an honest concern. Sometimes kids hated him before they even knew his name.

 - Don't worry, Philip, they will like you as much as I do. These are all nice kids.

They were not all nice and that's the first thing he noticed. Just before his first class he saw three kids smoking weed in the bathroom. A girl pulled another girl's hair and almost started a fight. A couple was kissing fiercly just in front of his locker. He could only see the girl's long, beautiful dark hair and a very pale arm caressing that hair before he decided he had enough for the day. He went to class without his books, the ones that were left for him as a welcome gift in his locker because he had a hard childhood.

-Do you want to say something about yourself, Philip? – Mr Peters, literature teacher asked him when the class started.  
-Not really, - he answered. The other kids laughed. He wasn't even trying to be funny, he was just honest.  
\- Okay, but can you please open your book and tell me what work are you familiar with. – Mr Peters smiled.  
\- I don't have a book.  
\- Really? I thought the principal said they'll leave the books in your locker.  
\- He did, but I forgot that, - he decided it's better to lie.  
You can't come to class without books, Philip. – The teacher was now serious. – I'll let you stay in class today because you're new and you don't know the rules yet but you have to have the books tomorrow, is that clear? – Philip nodded.

The dark haired boy sitting in front of Philip turned around and said: - He didn't forget them. It's because Lukas was on his locker with Rose. He just scored with her last week so the guy must show some respect.

The whole class burst into laughter. Philip stared at him until everyone calmed down. He hated snitches. Especially the ones who did it for entertainment.

He thought about skipping every other class of the day but then he remembered that it will probably earn him a detention, or worse, a talk with the principal. He stayed in the bathroom between classes, reading the carvings on the wall. He didn't find any new friends in the school yet. Nobody was nice enough to introduce themselves to the new kid.

\- You fucking shit! – Philip heard the boy before he saw him. Funny, that was the first thing another kid told him. He was almost thankful for that. He turned around only to face a really pale and angry boy with amazing cheekbones and blond hair.

 

-I don't know who „that fucking shit“ is but I'm Philip.

  
\- You're the fucking shit! You told Mr Peters you couldn't get to your fucking locker because of me and Rose. Now he's on my ass and he's going to talk to my dad.

  
-Well, I'm sorry to hear that but I didn't tell shit. Some guy in my class did.

  
\- What guy? I'll break his fucking nose.

This was the first time Philip honestly regretted not paying attention to something in class. – I don't know. Some guy. – He hated the words coming from his mouth. They made him sound like a loser. The boy's lips were really fucking distracting.

-Well tell that guy that Lukas Waldenbeck wants to talk to him.

Lukas Waldenbeck. The golden kid. The pale, entitled, rich kid. Philip should've know.

-I'm not gonna tell anyone anything. And stay away from my locker. – Honestly, Philip was ready to admit that he was probably as scary as a kitten.

-Or else, little guy? – Lukas was now so close to his face that he felt his breath. Surprisingly it smelled really nice. He didn't know what to say to that so Lukas just smirked and took Rose's hand. They walked out togther, laughing with a group of friends who laughed at Philip in class and it was not even the last class. Philip knew he'd never be their friend. He was already the loser of the town.

     Every day of the week Lukas made a point by kissing Rose right in front of Philip's locker. He ignored them and stayed away but on Friday he decided that he had enough with this spoiled brat and stood just beside them until they stopped kissing. Lukas looked at Philip, with an eyebrow raised, daring him to do something. Maybe he'll never know why but in that moment Philip decided he will be a better man. That he will win over this entitled, straight man with a smile. So he smiled to Lukas with every bit of kindness he could find in himself, hands deep in his pocket. Then he walked out of the hallway but not before he noticed that the boy turned around to look at him and that he was not holding his girlfriend's hand anymore.


	3. God, but life is loneliness

The first thing he learns about Tivoli is that it's full of drugs. It seems like he spent all his life running away from that hell only to be stuck in the second biggest meeting place of the drug sellers in the US. Now he knows why Helen works so much, unlike other small town sheriffs.

The second things he learns about Tivoli is that its golden boy Lukas Waldenbeck doesn't have a sponsor yet, just a month before a really big race and that he isn't likely to get one with those shitty videos he keeps posting on his YouTube channel. He knows that Lukas is none of his business, after all it's just some guy who keeps accidentally bumping into him in the hallways. But then he remembers Lukas' eyes when Philip smiled to him and that look makes him sweat. He doesn't like _liking_ boys when he's not sure they could ever like him back but there is something in Lukas' eyes, something he can't forget. Something that makes him search for motorcycles for race after midnight on a school night.

He makes a decision watching Gabe making Helen laugh by making pancakes while dancing. He charges his phone and puts it in his bag, where it's easier to find. He spends more than two seconds in front of the mirror. He's not even sure why he's doing all of this.

Lukas is making a spectacle every morning by driving in circles and making girls scream. Philip knows nothing about motorcycles besides what he learned watching those two or three videos on YouTube the night before. But he decided to be an optimist that day. It's just like his mother told him: _You are who you decide to be._

 He pulls his phone from his pocket and tries to make the best footage of Lukas driving without anyone else seeing him. The second part is pretty easy because they're all in love with Lukas, eyes wide open while watching him on the move. He waits for the tall boy to be alone and then he approaches him.

-Hey, I'm not looking for trouble. – He tells Lukas when he notices the boy starring at him.

-Why do you talk to me? – Lukas asks. _That little arrogant shit._

-I like motocross, - Philip shrugs, lying trough his teeth, - and by chance I know all about your competition. I know you don't have a sponsor. I know you want one. I can make some videos cause the ones you have are shit.

-Rose made those, - Lukas says and Philip is certain that now he will punch him in the face, - but I get what you mean. She's too busy thinking about other things. What, think you can do better?

-I filmed you this morning, - Philip says and gives Lukas his phone. – Watch it.

Lukas frowns but he's impressed soon enough. Philip knows he has a good camera eye. He always used to take the best pictures of his mom and friends.  – So you like that?

-Yeah I like that! Could you maybe do that again? – There's something else in his voice when he says that. Pride, maybe. But there's no Lukas Waldenbeck in his posture when he asks  for help about something that's important to him. Philip will remember that.

-Yeah, I can.

But Lukas frowns again. – What do you want for that, huh? My dad doesn't give me a lot of money if that's what you're looking for.

-I don't want money.

-What then?

Philip thinks for a moment. – I don't know yet. But you'll own me a favor.

Lukas seems concerned for a moment. – We're not friends, just so you know. I have a reputation here. Don't talk to me in school. Meet me after school, in the tunnel near the train station. – Philip nods. He'll have to ask for directions for that one.

Lukas looks around before moving anywhere as if being seen with Philip may just be the worst thing ever. Philip wonders what kind of stories follow him in a town where everyone knows everyone else. A poor, troubled foster child. Probably a drug addict. He kicks a locker thinking about how probably those same people have children who do things much worse than Philip ever did.

He doesn't go to the tunnel after school.

 

The next day he feels sorry about the way he stood Lukas up but then he sees him laughing with his friends on the bench and he's not really sorry. Three weeks since he came to Tivoli he still didn't make any friends and he wishes for someone to ask him at least about homework, so he can be certain that he's not invisible.

He looks at Rose and he notices everything that makes prettier than other girls, she has beautiful dark skin and perfect smile, her hair looks just right all the time, she's funny and smart and everyone seems really happy when she's around. But then he notices Lukas and his long torso and long fingers, his almost white hair and the way he keeps fixing it and he wishes he could be there with him, kissing him, maybe even holding his hand.

He snaps out of it really fast. He doesn't want a boyfriend. He never had a boyfriend.

 

Lukas waits for him in the same corner they talked last times. He seems pissed.

-Look, - Philip starts. But he doesn't really know what to say.

-No, you look! You said you don't want money.

-And I don't.

-Well? Why did you leave me there yesterday? You made a fool of me. Is that what you want?

 -No it's just... – He doesn't know what to say. He could say something about wanting a friend or feeling alone but somehow he knows that's not what Lukas wants to hear. – Let me make it up to you.

Lukas doesn't believe him. Philip rolls his eyes.

-Here, I have my phone with me. I'll make the video. I'll post it on YouTube. We can even skip class and do it.

-I can't skip class. - Lukas doesn't speak much, Philip notices. He likes that about him somehow.

-Then after class. I'll wait for you in front of the school so you can see that I'm coming. Don't worry, your friends will never see me. Then I'll be at the tunnel.

-Okay. – Lukas finally says. – See you there.

Philip looks at the blond boy walking away. There's something familiar about the way he walks, hands in his pockets, head down. When he was younger Philip used to know many unloved children who walked like that.


	4. Kiss me, and you will see how important I am

He’s so glad he brought a jacket because being on a motorcycle means wind blowing almost to your bones, even if he’s holding Lukas around his waist as hard as he can and using him as a windshield. Lukas is so used to that, he thinks, that he doesn’t even flinch when Philip pushes his fingernails deep into his skin, holding on to dear life. Then they fly.

 

Helen and Gabe are glad he has a friend, even if they don’t know who that friend is and that he’s not really a friend. Not for anyone else.

The first time they’ve been out together Philip made Lukas repeat jumps until he got the best video he ever made. In the next couple of hours more than two thousand people saw it. That’s whole Tivoli, Philip thought. Maybe even some other people.

 

**_[I](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHtwJkJzASbRpbK8dtRJ0ug) _ _[van](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHtwJkJzASbRpbK8dtRJ0ug) _ _Janic_ _[2 days ago](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1bruVSY8LE&lc=z12wvldaywqey54sb22vxnqb1p3ggvw22) _ **

**_This video is sick_ **

**_Leonard Davis 2 days ago_ **

**_great job dude_ **

****

**_Cathrine Muck 2 days ago_ **

**_These videos need music._ **

****

**_Devil's Raider 7 hours ago_ **

**_who's your camera man? good job._ **

****

Philip knows Lukas is not planning on telling anyone he's the one behind the camera. He doesn't care that much about that. Turns out, Lukas is a pretty amazing guy once you're left alone with him. And he doesn't talk much but Philip still learns a lot about him.

For example, Lukas doesn't have a mother. He never speaks about her but Philip think she must be dead. Lukas' father is a real tyrant. First he didn't allow Lukas to practice because he thought it was too dangerous but now he just makes Lukas practice every day until he's better that all the others. This is Lukas' only way to college. His grades are not that good and he doesn't care for school at all. In fact, Philip thinks Lukas doesn't care for anything, except his bike. And his love is so contagious that Philip finds himself looking for new ideas on how to film Lukas the next day.

The blond boy waits for him every day after school. He smiles and Philips' heart jumps. They don't talk much and they're much more alike that Philip thought at the beginning. And he likes Lukas much more now. He inspired him.

In the evening the desire to kiss Lukas is stronger than ever. He pushes away those thoughts as much as he can and thinks about his mother, his childhood, the friends he had. He thinks about Thomas, the first boy he ever liked and how he stopped being Philip's friend god knows why. Philip would never have kissed a boy before if one boy in his last school didn't pull him to the bathroom, kiss him hard and whispered _You're so pretty_ before leaving never to be seen again. His second kiss was with an older guy in a gay club who thought Philip was 18 and wanted to touch him. But Philip didn't want that. Not before his mother knew he was gay. Not until he really liked someone.

 

It's Friday after a small storm and they meet on the same spot. Lukas always buys them beer and Philip thinks that, at the end of the day, he can say he's doing all this for the free beer.

-We'll go near my dad's cabin today. There's a good spot there for jumps.

They got through muddy road and into the woods  and it's the furthest place from the school that they've ever been to. He sends a short message to Gabe, reminding them he'll be home late because he doesn't want them to worry.

Lukas is happier than he's ever been and it makes Philip smile. This boy actually deserves good things even if he's an asshole in school. He's actually interesting and kind and he cares about things in life. Not that he's ever like that in school, with Rose and his friends. That thought makes his stomach hurt. Philip wasn't this happy since he left home.

He makes a video and shows it to Lukas. The guy is pretty easy to work with, he's always happy with Philip's work and he shows it by smiling and shoving Philip away playfully. Philip smiles and Lukas smiles and Philip wishes it could stay like that forever.

 

He's certain they're done for the day when Lukas suggests they should go to the cabin to drink something. Philip hesitates. He was never alone with Lukas in a closed space and he doesn't trust himself to act normally around him. But the boy looks so happy that Philip just can't say no to him. The cabin is small, enough for Philip and his dad to stay when they're on their hunting trips. Lukas doesn't look like someone who hunts but then again, he is always full of surprises.

They sit on a bed and Philip was never on a bed with a boy he liked, even if he always has a condom in his wallet. They spill beer on their shoes because they're dumb and then they watch the video together. Lukas was never better. They were never better.

-You're amazing, - Lukas tells him and it makes Philip feel things. There's that look in Lukas' eyes again, the one he gave him in the hallway. For a while now Philip could think about nothing other than those eyes. He wishes to kiss Lukas so badly, even just once and maybe, just maybe, Lukas wants that too, it's not like he's ever like this with any of his friends. So he stops thinking altogether and leans in to kiss the boy.

Lukas seems horrified and pushes Philip away and it's Philip's worst fear. Lukas is saying something now and Philip answers without thinking, wishing only that he was far far away. He can't talk to Lukas ever again. He can't go to school either. He must run away and leave Gabe and Helen, even though he likes his new home a lot and even though he likes Lukas so much that his stomach hurts.

He stands up, wants to go alone, wants to walk the whole walk home, in the night. He can't face Lukas again and look at his eyes, he can't hear another: _I'm not like that._ But then he feels Lukas' hand on his and he hears him say: Hey, stop and it's a voice Philip can't recognize because Lukas never said anything so softly to him.

Lukas traces something on Philip's arm with his long fingers and it makes Philip shiver. It makes Philip afraid because now he knows why Lukas looks at him that way. Now he knows he will like this boy for a long long time and that he will probably break his heart.

Lukas touches his face and looks him in the eyes before kissing him once, as if he's trying to see if he can. Philip doesn't move, only waits to be kissed again by this beautiful boy. And Lukas kisses him, again and again. His kisses are much softer that Philip expected. He's shivering so Philip hugs him tightly and waits for the other boy to panic and move but Lukas only relaxes and keeps kissing him more, like someone who's not used to being hugged. They remove their jackets and their shirts until they're the only thing keeping each other warm in this cold place. Lukas breathes deeply and never stops kissing him and Philip feels like he's under water.

This beautiful boy is kissing him and Philip feels like he's home for the first time ever. He's floating in the water and there's no other sound in this world, there's nobody else in this world, just these two boys in the cabin, breathing deeply, holding each other, just the two of them against the world.


End file.
